


Flashback

by winterlover



Category: Alles was zählt
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 22:03:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterlover/pseuds/winterlover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t want flashbacks. He didn’t want regretful and self-hating Roman… he wanted his lover happy, cheerful and sexy. But he could not control these dark thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flashback

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own any of those characters. They belong to RTL.  
> Set between the reunion at the wedding and whatever that made them talk. It were the little scenes in Show that triggered my fantasy and made me imagine that the actors are giving us bits and hints to the backstory, even if Show itself doesn’t provide plot.  
> Thanks to lovely geekchick1013 for being my beta.

 

He laughed as he pulled Roman down onto the bed, both of them tumbling over. They rolled around, kissing, smoothly pulling each other’s clothes off.

They lay still for a second, limbs entangled, arousal already showing. His face was close, above Roman’s.

“I love that noise you make.”

“What noise?”

He slid a bit further down and sucked on Roman’s nipple, gently at first, then harder. Roman let out a muffled moan.

“That noise,” Deniz chuckled.

“Deniz,” – Roman said, in the loving and tender tone Deniz adored so much, “you think you know me inside and out!” Roman laughed as well and rolled both of them over so that he was on top, reaching for the water bottle on the nightstand. Small drops of condensation adorned the glass; when he put it back after taking a sip, Roman’s hand was still visible on the sparkling surface.

“You haven’t experienced everything yet,” he whispered kissing Deniz lightly on the cheek, his lips still cool from the water. “I can do many more things that you can’t even imagine.”

He felt Roman’s hand around his cock. Roman’s cold, wet hand. “So fucking cold!”

“Ooh, do you want me to shrink? Won’t be much use to you then.”

Roman kissed his laugh away, then started moving his hand.

“Friction generates warmth…” Roman increased the pressure and pace, “…heat.”

And, “oh yes”, it was a special sensation. Immediately his breath became deeper.

“Who taught you that?” Deniz asked jokingly.

The same second, the panic started to rise. _Don’t say the name, don’t say his name, please don’t say it was Marc!_ His heart had accelerated so that he feared Roman would feel the beats through his chest. He drew a deep breath and shifted noticeably, burying his head in Roman’s armpit, pulling him closer, disguising the feeling as arousal.

He couldn’t control these flashbacks. They had come frequently at first; they had stopped him in action, in whatever he was doing: talking, cooking, even kissing. If Roman had noticed –and he always had in the beginning– it would start an awkward silence, withdrawal, an episode of regretful and self-hating Roman. But they had never talked about it. They had smiled shyly at each other, hugged, or pretended to ignore what had happened altogether.

He didn’t want flashbacks. He didn’t want regretful and self-hating Roman… he wanted his lover happy, cheerful and sexy. But he could not control these dark thoughts and the panic they brought. They didn’t come as regularly as they had… and he had become better at hiding them from Roman, as he was doing now. Maybe they would vanish in the future… or perhaps they would stay, like something that now belonged to him; something he had acquired as a price for growing up, for having Roman back. He had to accept it, but not let control his thoughts… or their life.

He just wished it were easier.

Roman hadn’t stopped; he had carried on stroking, his hand warmer now. When he had heard the question he’d just looked up, his chin still resting on his lover’s chest.

“Taught me? No one. I invented this fine technique myself.” On his face, a proud and affectionate smile.

Deniz smiled back, then closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the hand that stroked his hard cock, the mouth that kissed his neck, then his lips. The only thing he wanted to feel was the love he had for the man that was here with him.

* * *

He knew it. He knew the second Deniz had asked. It was in the way he didn’t say the last word in full, how he’d held his breath for a little bit too long afterward.

Deniz had become better in hiding the – what were they? Panic attacks? Flashbacks? – he didn’t know exactly what Deniz was feeling. He had tried to ask at first, but had never gotten an answer (“ _It’s nothing_ ” or, “ _Shut up and kiss me._ ”).

Guilt and anger rose in him again. How had he ever let this happen? Why had he hurt his lover so deeply? How the hell could it be stopped?

But as long their relationship was functioning – and it was, most of the time – he was too scared to address any of those issues, too afraid to back Deniz in a corner where he couldn’t escape and had to talk… too afraid of what he would have to hear.

He knew that the flashbacks weren’t a sign of mistrust, they were more of a reaction to specific triggers, like when Hamburg was mentioned in the Centre or when someone was talking about a musical. Sometimes he couldn’t even tell what exactly caused them.

Like a few months ago, at the lake. They had done a short footrace into the cool water after an exhausting jog and Deniz had simply stopped, looking at him, hand already on his face and neck, eyes mysteriously intense, before he’d started the redeeming kiss. They had continued laughing, teasing, taking off their pants and splashing in the water; but those few seconds of hesitation and the serene look on Deniz’ face had made his heart stop for an instant. He’d thought then that this would be the moment Deniz would start to talk. _The Talk_. But he hadn’t. And after a second of disappointment Roman had been relieved that this wasn’t the day.

 

His face reddened and he hid it by getting closer, kissing Deniz’ neck and moving lips to lips, tongue to tongue. Kissing the pain away, kissing the darkness away.

 

And until all thought was pushed from their minds by orgasm once again, he knew, they _both_ knew, that they couldn’t hide from each other forever.


End file.
